


Heads Will Roll

by Menochange



Series: One shots [6]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Super Sons (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily Feels, Batfamily Shenanigans, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Family Bonding, Gen, Mystery, Rick-Rolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 14:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18701545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Menochange/pseuds/Menochange
Summary: It's Christmas at day at Wayne Manor.Tim wants coffee, Jason wants to go home and Dick just wants to have a normal family moment.Unfortunately for him Damian gets an unusual gift and things start to get interesting (and not in a good way).





	Heads Will Roll

**Author's Note:**

> So I know it's not Christmas but the idea wouldn't leave me alone so here it is :)

“LITTLE D. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP” Dick yelled running into his room, diving onto his bed and shaking Damian into grudging awareness in his enthusiasm.

“If the house is not on fire, I’m going to kill you. Your death will be painfully slow, as I will skin you alive, chop you up into bite sized pieces and then feed you to Titus. No one will ever find your body and I won’t even be a suspect because I will cry at you’re funeral. They will all believe I am distraught when really I will be shedding tears of joy that the biggest nuisance in my life is finally gone.” Damian threatened darkly as his pushed his brother – who had decided early morning cuddles were worth risking his life over – off of him and onto the floor.

Dick just laughed loudly and grinned up at him “Wow that was super scary little D, I swear I’d be more scared if I didn’t know how much you loved me.”

“Do not push your luck. I will pay Todd to shoot you.” Damian glared at him as he forced himself to get out of bed.

“Could we save the killing for afterwards brat? Everyone else is already downstairs waiting for you two losers to come down. Come on presents are waiting and Alf is making his heavenly hot chocolate, Jason promised add the extra kick for the adults” Stephanie winked at the both of them from her place in the door before she guided the pre-coffee zombie that was Drake down the stairs.

“You heard the lady. It’s Christmas Dami. Come on. Up and at ‘em”  Dick laughed jumping up and half carried, half dragged a reluctant Damian down the stairs to the main hall where the rest of the family were sitting around their extravagant Christmas tree that Dick had forced them all to decorate little by little over the last week.

“Finally. Let’s just get this shit show over with.” Jason exclaimed from his place on the floor.

“Christmas is the time of giving not bitching, if you don’t want to be here you can leave” a half awake Tim muttered under his breath, unfortunately he hadn’t consumed enough coffee to realise that he had actually said it louder than he intended to causing them all (with the exception of Jason who glared menacingly) to supress smiles.

“Unfortunately for you Replacement, I can’t leave because Dickface’s girlfriend is blackmailing me. So now I’m here until after lunch. So don’t fucking test me or I can and will shoot you” Jason growled at Tim who (in his sleep deprived state clearly didn’t comprehend the real danger behind the threat) simply shrugged his shoulders and focused once again on his coffee letting out a blissful sigh as he inhaled his cup.

“You do know I’m not insulted when you call Babs my girlfriend, in fact we’re actually…”

“Yeah it wasn’t an insult for you but for her. We all know she could do better than your ugly mug” Jason cut him off, rolling his eyes at his older brother who spluttered in outrage.

“Wait Babs blackmailed you? With what?” Stephanie asked leaning over Cass to nudge Jason with her toes, completely ignoring Dick who looked put out at all the interruptions.

“I’m not fu…” Jason began but Duke was quicker.

“If he told you, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of the blackmail?” the teen asked raising an eyebrow.

“I’m just saying. Curious minds want to know, right Cass?” Steph smiled at Cassandra who was watching them, quietly amused whilst dipping her strawberries into her drink.

“Shut it Fatgirl. Let’s just get this meaningless ritual of ‘family bonding’ which is rooted in the same commercialism that dictates most of western culture over and done with. None of us are religious yet you all insist that we take part in this farce. In fact without the moral or religious aspects, this whole day is ludicrous. Why would some fat idiot go around breaking and entering into each and every home the night before Christmas – Even if he could break into every house in the country and not get caught, which he cannot, the very act in and of itself is a felony and the jail time he would serve alone would be ridiculous especially given how long he has supposedly held down his job and not worth it – spending billions on stupid presents for snot nosed children – which usually I might add does nothing for the overall increase in skill or intelligence of the general population? Is it just to distinguish the ‘naughty’ from the ‘nice’, the very idea that anyone would buy that seems idiotic, how does one even quantify ‘naughty’ from ‘nice’ and how would he even know, if he were spying on the kids that would also be a felony and they could also charge him for paedophilia because he would be spying on children. We should be out there trying to arrest him, yet all of you…”

“Wait… hold up….Did you just call Santa a Pedo?” Steph laughed looking incredulous.

“More worrying is that he wants us to arrest him, but the demon is probably just worried that Santa didn’t bring him any presents which is why he’s trying to convince us all that Santa doesn’t exist. Because we all know you’re not on the nice list, let’s be honest, dear old Saint Nick isn’t going to give the demon child any-“

“Can we not? Seriously guys. It’s Christmas. It’s our first proper Christmas together as a whole family so can we not ruin it? Can we please just act like a family for one day? And Dami Santa _is_ real, definitely not a paedophile and no we are not arresting him. He’s a time lord which means he has magical powers that allow him to stop time and –“

“That’s not actually what a time lord is” Tim protested but Dick continued ignoring his interjection.

“ – clearly you are on the nice list because you’ve been good this year. We’ve all been good this year which is exactly why Santa has brought us all presents. Now in the spirit of Christmas we are all going to sit here and open up Santa’s presents and have a nice day together okay. All of us. Please can you all promise to be good until after lunch, today is stressful enough without having to worry about you guys too!”

“Wow Dickface, it almost seems as though you think that we’re all nothing but trouble. An obligation even instead of family. I for one am deeply hurt and honestly appalled that you as our brother who claims to love us for all our faults feel like this.” Jason pointed his finger at Dick accusingly before he dramatically got to his feet clutching his chest “I can’t possibly stay here under this roof knowing that you feel like this! Tell your girlfriend that I tried but couldn’t handle the betrayal”

“Sit back down Jaybird or I’ll tell Babs that you never showed up!” Dick threatened rolling his eyes.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying” Jason shrugged dropping his act immediately as he plopped himself onto the couch practically sitting on top of Tim who squawked in protest as his coffee almost spilt on the floor. A brief scuffle ensued – it was all fun and games until the coffee was stolen and then Jason (who ended up sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch) was reminded why not even Damian messed with a pre- second coffee Tim.

“B, Alfie! We’re finally ready to open presents!” Dick called once everyone had finally settled down and gotten comfortable. “Come on! We’re losing daylight here!”

Bruce walked into the room coffee in hand and eyebrow raised as he took his seat next to the original Robin. Alfred followed carrying hot drinks which were set on the table before he sat in his designated armchair, cup of tea in hand.

“Now that everyone is here can we just get this over and done with already, some of us have things to see, people to do” Jason winked as he produced a flask seemingly out of nowhere and started pouring it liberally into all but two of the cups on the table.

“Wait who are you dating?” Steph asked snagging two of the spiked cups from the table handing one to Cass before she took an appreciative sip from the other.

“The three of you are underage” Bruce chastised as Steph took a sip of her drink.

“Lighten up B-man…Your kids do waaay more illegal things all the time and you know it” Steph rolled her eyes as Bruce opened his mouth to say something before Dick leaning over and whispered something in his ear. Their father frowned for a moment before he nodded resigned.

“Don’t need to be dating someone to have fun” Jason smirked suggestively at her – ignoring that whole interaction – as he pried Tim’s coffee cup from the other boy’s death grip to replace it with a fresh one. “Sorry short stack no fun drink for you.” Jason teased as he passed a hot chocolate to Damian who scowled as he grabbed the steaming cup from his brother’s hands.

“I’m assuming the other non-alcoholic drink is mine?” Duke asked even as he took a sip from the drink without waiting for confirmation.

“Great. Thanks Jay” Dick smiled as he took the last cups, nudging their father who was looking at his phone. “Wait. Hold up. New rule, everyone hand me your phones. This is a technology free space. Also I would turn your phones off unless you want me snooping when I put them away.” Dick commanded as he grabbed a decorative bowl off of the table, dumping batman’s phone (which he had stolen forcefully from Bruce’s hand) unceremoniously in before he moved on ignoring the glares and protests that were sent his way, he collected all their electronics one by one – circling back to confiscate Tim’s Ipad (which he had been using as a pillow) and Jason’s second burner phone (hidden in his shoe) – before running up the stairs with his loot.

He came down a moment later grinning as he took his spot once again “See isn’t that better. Now we can have proper family time. So I say Dami goes first because it’s his first true Christmas with the family. And he’s the youngest”

“You know Dickface, tis such a shame that you can’t record the demon opening his first Christmas present now that you’ve confiscated all of the phones” Jason mocked and Dick’s eyes widened as though he hadn’t even thought about it. The older boy pushed himself forward to go grab his phone when a hand pushed him back down.

“No phone rule” Cass smiled shaking her head at him as Steph and Jason laughed.

“Wait. No but… we need to record this moment for proof of family bonding.” Dick moaned sagging back down into his seat.

“Well you should have thought of that earlier Dick” Tim said, finally awake enough to follow the conversation.  

“But… But… B … come on … we need to…”

“It’s alright Master Richard, I have my camera on me for such purposes” Alfred cut in stopping Dick’s meltdown before it could truly begin.

“Alfie! You are amazing. Honestly the best. Unlike the rest of these meanies”

“Okay Dami. Let’s get this show on the road…pick a present already before someone blows up the house!” Steph enthused rolling her eyes at Dick who got up to hover behind Alfred to watch his take the video. She made a shooing motion at the disgruntled preteen who scowled but walked over to the tree grumbling as he scanned through the tags to find one with his name on it.

Finally – after almost 8 minutes of slowly inspecting all of the gifts to the loud groans and protests of his siblings – Damian finally picked a large brightly wrapped rectangular present, which had his name printed across the tag in bold letters. The boy attempted to drag said present (which was half his size) back over to where he had been sitting only to give up half way glaring at those who laughed at him (which was pretty much all of them with the exception of Alfred and Bruce who were all valiantly trying to hide their smiles behind their cups). He huffed as he violently ripped the paper to reveal a flower patterned box with the words ‘ **OPEN ME’** scrawled across the top.

“Wow, Dami you must have been really good this year, wonder what that is” Dick grinned at him.

Damian huffed once again and lifted the lid.

**BOOOM**

The room was suddenly filled with smoke, there was a loud crashing sound and everyone started shouting over each other before music filled the house.

**_“Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you”_ **

“What the actual fuck!” Jason exclaimed as he swiped the air in front of him trying to disperse the smoke.

“B? What’s going on?”

“Dami are you okay? DAMI???” Dick yelled at the top of his voice inhaling a lung full of smoke, the boy started coughing uncontrollably.

**_“Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you”_ **

“All of you stay calm. I’m going to open some windows”

“I’ll open the back and front doors Master Bruce”

“No. We don’t know who might be out there, everyone…” Bruce trailed off as the smoke started to disperse by itself. “Is everyone okay? Damian report!”

“HOLY SHIT” Tim swore as he spotted Damian who was still in the exact same spot as he was earlier laying deathly still on the ground, clearly in shock, his ‘present’ had been pushed away from him and had come to rest near the wall on the other side of the room, music still playing the background.

“Wait is he…” Duke muttered hands coming up to cover his mouth trying to hide the smile that started to tug at his lips.

“Oh my god” Steph gasped processing the mess that covered Damian and his surrounding area.

“Fucking hell… Is that… that is fucking brilliant” Jason started laughing setting of the other batkids who were suddenly in hysterics.

Damian glared but the effect was lost as he was completely covered head to toe in rainbow glitter and confetti. 

“I’m going to kill you Todd!” Damian yelled as the shock wore off and his anger set in. Damian lunged at his older brother but instead of fearing for his life Jason just side stepped the younger boy as he laughed harder.

“Oh my god, he’s like an adorable little death fairy. Going to sparkle me to death Tinkerbell?” Jason mocked as he gasped for breath still in hysterics.

“Dami! Don’t kill Jay.” Dick tried to scold but he too was lost in hysterics at the very sight of his younger brother who huffed and tried to storm off but Dick was quicker grabbing the preteen by the waist and pulling him (kicking and screaming) onto the couch.

“It wasn’t even me dipshit… but I wish it was. Mad props to whoever thought of that work of art… Timbo?”

“Wasn’t me” Tim immediately protested “But I do agree that was…”

“Awesome!” Stephanie cut him off

“Steph!”

“It wasn’t me… I’m just saying that this is probably the best Christmas present ever. Santa has really out done himself this year” She laughed

“Whoever it was, that wasn’t funny. That was dangerous and a potential security risk. You should all know better than to play such tricks” Bruce scolded trying to look serious but his frown faltered and his lips twitched – which was practically a smile coming from the Wayne patriarch – as he looked over Damian’s sparkling form.

Damian opened his mouth getting ready to deliver some scathing remark only to be stopped by Richard who slapped his hand over the pre teen’s mouth.

“Okay then, Now that the smoke has cleared – literally – Who’s next?” Tim asked sneaking a sip from Jason’s unattended drink.   

“Oi Timbo hands off my drink! Just for that I get to go next.” Jason declared grabbing the first box with his name on it and settled down onto the couch. “HoHoHo, Guess santa is branching out from toys this year.” He laughed as he pulled out a stack of leather bound classics. Thanks Timborine. I mean SANTA!” Jason emphasised that statement with an over exaggerated wink in every direction possible.

“Ok. Cass’s turn!” Steph yelled jumping off the couch to grab a small pick parcel which was wedged under the tree. “Open. Open. Open!” she commanded clearly excited as she thrust the present into the other girl’s hand, watching her expectantly. Cassandra smiled and hesitated for a moment before she carefully pulled off the wrapping paper to reveal an ornate looking box.

They all stared at it expectantly waiting for something to happen as Cass examined the outside running her hands over the intricate design. Finally unable to wait patiently Jason sighed loudly “Well that was a let down”

“Shut up. It’s not for you.” Steph sniped “Open it” she the whispered to Cass who smiled up at her before doing as she said.

The box opened smoothly revealing a two dancing ballerina’s moving gracefully to the soft lullaby that started playing. Cassandra gasped clearly pleased. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Steph smiled leaning over so that their shoulders pressed together.

“Santa.” Cass said after a moment of silence.

“Right. Yes of course. Santa is the one we should all thank for these amazing gifts” Steph said clearly faking sincerity as she too did an exaggerated wink visible to all present.

“Guys. Are we really doing this?” Duke asked

“Doing what? Giving our thanks to our one true saviour and giver of gifts Satan… I mean Santa?” Tim asked deadpan

“Okay princess Sassypants. It’s your turn, stop being mean to the newbie” Steph laughed ushering Tim towards the pile of presents.

Tim stood there in front of the tree surveying the pile of presents before picking a neatly wrapped green one and heading back to his seat – gracefully sidestepping Jason’s outstretched foot as he went.

“Come on Timmy! Seriously I want a turn sometime soon” Steph moaned causing Tim to laugh and continue to slowly unwrap his gift.

“You know what. Screw this.” Jason said suddenly standing up and making his way to the tree ignoring the protests of his family around him.

“Jaybird, come on. Just let Timmy open his gift” Dick argued as Jason kneeled in front of the tree and started sorting through the gifts.

“Nope. This is faster. Now you get a present and you get a present and everyone gets a present” he called out as he started throwing the brightly wrapped parcels to their respective owners until finally they had all been distributed “This way I won’t shoot myself whilst waiting for these brats to open their shit. That shit is boring AF and I’d rather die again than sit through it” Jason grinned as he made his way over to his spot to open up his gifts.

The rest of the kids looked from Dick to Bruce (who hadn’t said a word) to Jason and then back again before the unanimously decided to follow their older brother’s lead and open the rest of their presents. Dick sighed before doing the same and soon the lounge area was buzzing with noise as gifts were torn open and exchanges of thanks or squabbling (due to the abundance of Gag gifts present) were heard as well as the odd ‘Praise be to Santa’ declaration from any and all members of the family (with the exception of Damian who was skeptical) – Although there was a shocked silence (only for a moment before it was followed by outrageous laughter) when Bruce, after being gifted a pair of light up Batman socks clearly from Jason had loudly proclaimed his thanks to Santa for the wonderful gift – even Alfred let out a dry thanks to Santa (whilst smiling in Tim’s direction) for the tickets to a garden show he had been thinking of attending.

Overall they were having a great Christmas morning, with minimal death or arguing. Dick smiled as he basked in the fact that his whole family was together and they were having a proper family moment which didn’t involve anyone dying or being maimed.

“Okay, everyone gather all you’re presents and huddle up. We’re taking a family photo” Dick proclaimed stealing the camera out of Alfred’s hands as he ushered them all into place. “Ohh Dami, don’t forget your first present too”

Damian huffed clearly unimpressed by the suggestion but pushed himself off the couch and made his way over to the large box which was faced towards the wall, surrounded by a pool of glitter and confetti. His gave another loud sigh (just to reinforce the fact that he did not approve of such childishness) and started to set the gift upright only to pause mid action and reach his hand into the box.

“Father I think…” Whatever Damian was going to say was cut off by the sound of sirens coming up the driveway.

“What’s going on?” Duke asked looking around at the others in confusion.

“Father…”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s just Babs making an entrance” Dick suggested although he didn’t look all that confident in that suggestion.

“Father.”

“God I hope so but knowing our luck there’s probably a mass murderer running around on the grounds” Steph sighed.

“All of you stay here. I’ll go see what is going on” Bruce ordered as he and Alfred got out of their seats.

“Father.”

“Jaybird maybe you should go to the cave”

“No way. I’m not going to miss out on all the action just because you..”

“Jay I’m just saying..”

“Father.”

“Shut up Dick face. No means no. I’m not fucking going.”

“B, Back me up. If the police are here he shouldn’t be around.”

“Father”

“I’m not going to hide out like a fucking…”

“I mean he does have a Fake ID for a reason” Tim interjected.

“Father”

“THAT’S ENOUGH. ALL OF YOU. I’m going to check the front door and see what’s going on and you are all going to sit here and wait until I come back. Understood?” Bruce then

“FATHER!”

“Little D?” Dick asked frowning at the smaller boy who was now crouched in front of his gag present, staring down into the glittery mess.

“Damian stop. I need to see what’s happening outside. I don’t have time for …”

“WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME” Damian yelled getting everyone’s attention.

“Fine. What is it Damian?” Bruce asked clearly exasperated            

“I don’t think anyone here sent me this ‘gift’, unless any of you want to confess something?” Damian asked raising an eyebrow at his siblings.

“Damian this isn’t the time for childish…”

“I know” Damian cut off his father sharply “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. There is a severed head covered in glitter at the bottom of this box. So unless one of you believes I would enjoy the severed head of my English teacher as a gift, I do believe we have a breach in our security”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> At the moment this is just a one shot...  
> I have chapter 2 planned out but it may take me a while to actually complete (Mainly because I just watched Endgame -DW no spoilers - and suddenly had the urge to write a DC/ Marvel cross over fic, which is what I'm currently working on atm) but we'll see how it goes :)


End file.
